What is PAS?

Our Family Wizard article on Parental Alienation

Gardner's definition of PAS is this:

1. The Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is a disorder that arises primarily in the context of child-custody disputes.

2. Its primary manifestation is the child's campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification.

3. It results from the combination of a programming (brainwashing) of a parent's indoctrinations and the child's own contributions to the vilification of the targeted parent.

Gardner notes that PAS is more than brainwashing or programming, because the child has to actively participate in the denigrating of the alienated parent. This is done in primarily the following ways:

1. The child denigrates the alienated parent with foul language and severe oppositional behavior.

2. The child offers weak, absurd, or frivolous reasons for his or her anger.

3. The child is sure of himself or herself and doesn't demonstrate ambivalence, i.e. love and hate for the alienated parent, only hate.

4. The child exhorts that he or she alone came up with ideas of denigration. The "independent-thinker" phenomenon is where the child asserts that no one told him to do this.

5. The child supports and feels a need to protect the alienating parent.

6. The child does not demonstrate guilt over cruelty towards the alienated parent.

7. The child uses borrowed scenarios, or vividly describes situations that he or she could not have experienced.

8. Animosity is spread to the friends and/or extended family of the alienated parent.

In severe cases of parent alienation, the child is utterly brain- washed against the alienated parent. At this point, the alienator can truthfully say that the child doesn't want to spend any time with this parent, even though she has told the child that he has to, it is a court order, etc. The alienator typically responds, "There isn't anything that I can do about it. I'm not telling him that he can't see you."

(Excerpted from: Gardner, R.A. (1998). The Parental Alienation Syndrome, Second Edition, Cresskill, NJ: Creative Therapeutics, Inc.)

Every one of the 8 above symptoms are outlined clearly in a letter that DD sent to John shortly before her 18th birthday (linked below). The pain, anger and confusion about where she lived and whose family she lived with while growing up comes through clearly. What DD doesn't understand is that her mother was the one who set that wheel in motion from the very beginning every time she moved from relationship to relationship. DD's mother lied and frightened DD and her other siblings by telling her that John was trying to take custody of her and keep her away from all of the people she loved. That wasn't true at all: All John wanted was some regular, structured visitation - but DD's mother wouldn't even allow that much stability in DD's life. We hope that some day, DD will come to realize that the person who tried his best to sheild her from all of that pain, the person who did his best to keep the peace with Circe to try to make DD's life more stable, and the person who wanted to show DD a father's love was so much more than a car ride to a friend's house and a child support payment, was her father.

Click HERE to read DD's letter to John.

What Does PAS Look Like?

Denial of / Refusal of / Conditions for Parenting Time for Father by Mother
(See Introduction on the Home Page for the backstory.)

Comments made by Circe Smith to John Smith (Unless otherwise noted)
EM = eMail Message VM = Voice Mail Message TX = Text Message

TX 1/5/2011 3:28:32 PM - From: Circe Smith “Here's the bottom line.....she [DD] doesn't want to have to go to [John’s] house to see her dad… I offered to let [John] hang out at my place so they wouldn't have to go to a restaurant...”

EM 1/5/2011 "I have less than zero interest in having anything to do with you that does not concern our daughter. but, in case you have forgotten, you are still the sperm donor of a little girl, and I think you should consider following my lead on how to be a parent!"

VM 01/06/2011 From: Circe_Smith "I can't get through to you that DD is done with you and the only person who is going to be able to help you make any ground is ME. But I can't help you if you don't help yourself, John. If I don't see some type of effort on your part that you don't want to make amends with DD, that you don't want to make some type of repair with her, I'm telling you that I can't have you sitting on the fence and neither can she. I'm going to tell her today, either Dad calls you today or DAD IS DONE WITH YOU."

VM 01/06/2011 From: Circe_Smith "Hi. DD said she is willing to give you yet one more try, to be a dad. And she said that she is going to pretend she's not mad at you so she can just function and just accept things as they are. And I'm going to support her through that. But you need to know that if my daughter sends me text messages that say I HATE IT HERE, I am going to pick her up. And I don't want her to have any contact with Diana. If your girlfriend talks to her at that point she is breaking the law because I told you not to. So while DD is there, I don't know where your live-in girlfriend is going to go, I don't know what Diana is going to do but she's not going to have contact with my daughter, period."

VM 01/10/2011 From: Circe_Smith “The problem is that I am not interfering with you seeing my daughter. I am going to protect my daughter… you’re more than welcome to come see DD at my house, but once I get a restraining order, she can't come to your house.”

01/12/2011
EM “I am confused, John. You keep referring to "DD's visits with you". You are aware of that fact that she will not be going to your house… DD has stated to you, and me, repeatedly that she will not go with you to your apartment. At 14, she does not have to go.”
EM “I had no choice but to start to attempt to keep DD away from your situation.”
EM “if you attempt to take DD again without my permission to a location that I do not see is in her best interest [John's home], you will not be allowed to take her ever. And because you are not the custodial parent, and because you have such a long history of not following the shared parenting orders, you will have to take me to court if you do not like it. Because I do not care what ill befalls me. I only care that DD knows I am protecting her from you.”

01/18/2011
EM “You will not be dictating your time with DD. I will ask DD what she wants, and that is what I will do… I have also legally earned the right to call the shots.”
EM “I honestly could care less if you moved to the top of a Tibetan mountain as long as it didn't involve my daughter.”
EM “Like I said, I don't care what happens to you. I just want my daughter to see her daddy under her conditions instead of always always always yours.”
EM “My sister Lisa has a brother-in-law that is a police officer. It was discussed, it was concluded, that when you took DD to your new house your actions fell into the catagory of kidnapping… I have yet to give you permission to take her to your house. I explained that to DD so she understood why I was so upset with your choices. She said she understood. She also said she was greatful that the police could get involved so that Diana W. could stop freaking out and getting away with it. The words "legal authority" is what you ignore. I have yet to give you permission to take her to your new house yet you do it all the time. I tolerate it to keep some amount of peace, as a good will gesture, and EVERYTIME i get messages from my daughter stating that she doesn't want to be there. John, tell me, wouldn't you do the same thing???"
VM 01/18/2011 From: Circe_Smith “And I'm not going to make her [DD] go over to your house. She's not going to go over there. If it is, she says that if you pick her up she's not going to get in the car if she knows that you're going to take her to your house.” [Note: Six one-day overnight visits take place between Feb. 2011 and June, 2011. DD's visits stop completely as of June 5, 2011. ]

08/31/2011
EM “I never followed the divorce agreement [prior to 2010] because it would have left DD sitting in your apartment alone each weekend she was with you. or worse, at some gig she didn't want to go to... it just would never have worked….”
EM “you can criticize me for taking DD's side, but you have not earned any points that warrent me taking yours. you wanted me to "make" DD go to your house... just because you are 'the dad' does not entitle you to DD's devotion and respect.”
EM “if i would have MADE her go to your house, John, it would have devastated her! not only would she have hating you for having to be there, she would have hated me for making her go. and then what?”
EM “the divorce agreement wasn't worded that way, John. no couert will find fault with a mom that supports a daughters decision… so until you have some breakthrough that is going to make DD happy, just leave us alone.”

TX 09/30/2011 0:01:00 AM From: Circe_Smith “… I'll go to jail before I'll force my daughter to get in your car.”

VM 10/12/2011 From: Circe_Smith “[DD] made me promise that I won't let you take her. And you are putting me in a very very probable place because if I do what YOU want, um, you're going to you know, threaten to throw me in jail because I'm not using the divorce agreement. If I do what DD wants and keep you away from her, then she feels safe. If I tell her that she has to go with you because that's what you are demanding, she screams that she hates you, she wants you 100% out of her life, and I feel like I am the worst mother in the world.”

TX 10/12/2011 7:08:09 PM - From: Circe_Smith Wow.....awesome.... DD just said she'll see you if it means you'll stop hurting me....perfect. great isn't it? Let's watch our daughter sacrifice her happiness and risk having severe anxiety attacks just so her "spoiled dad" can have his way!
[Note: All of the following communication occurs AFTER the pre-trial of 11/14/2011. John and Circe were instructed by the court to "work out a visitation schedule". Circe successfully blocks this order with confusion over "whose weekend is whose" and more lies. It's very interesting to see how she pretends to comply with the court order while at the same time acting in complete defiance of it. By continuing to make the false claim that John does not pick up DD for parenting time, she makes it look like he is in defiance and she is just an innocent bystander. Also, now that Circe is aware that John is archiving her e-mail to use against her, she cleverly adds verbiage to make it appear to an outside reader that John has been neglecting to pick up DD, when in fact it has been Circe that makes sure DD isn't available for John's parenting time.]

VM 11/15/2011 From: Circe_Smith “You need to call and confirm that you are in fact coming for each visitation. DD and I are not going to sit around and wait and expect you to show up and then not show up… if you don't confirm we will assume you are not showing up and we will go about our business so lets make that very clear.”

11/16/2011
EM “Here are the reasons DD and I want you to try to work harder for your visitation rights. DD now understands that her not seeing you is what caused me to go to court. And because everyone kept telling her, “You are old enough in the eyes of the court to make the decision where you do and don't want to go", she probably never imagined you'd stoop so low and resort to taking me to court for her choices. I honestly admit, I never thought you would do this either.”
EM “I have no idea where you invented this "my weekend/your weekend" from? You haven't seen your daughter in 6 months and now you think that we are on some type of alternate weekend schedule? At what point were we ever on a regular schedule that now you've concluded that this is "my weekend"? Get serious. You have no idea who's weekend it is.”
EM "It is true that we had a falling out the first time you decided to pull your "parent's rights" card and take DD with out my permission. .. You some how feel you are entitled to just invent your parental rights on the fly… But now, regardless of her anxieties and pain concerning you, DD is willing to visit so [you] will stop accusing me of being at fault.”
EM “Now, here is the legal truth about my actions… What I say in a letter vs what my actions were have always been my saving grace… I may say I would rather go to jail than let DD go to your house to be mistreated, but You are the one that never bothered showing up for your visitations.”
EM “You think some lawyer has DD's best interest in mind when he is fighting to MAKE her [DD] spend time with a man she doesn't even know anymore? You think that judge knows your daughter? She thinks DD's just being a difficult 15 year old.”

VM 11/20/2011 From: Circe_Smith “The other thing is this, and this applies to this visitation and every visitation… I'm not picking DD up after the visits over, you will be doing the driving and that's me putting my foot down.”

11/30/2011
EM “You have no idea how fortunate you are that I have not filed to keep you from DD permanently.”
EM “Here is how it could go if you agree. You comply with the above matter concerning more money for me, and visitation will be at your apartment… I talked to DD. And she said she, for MY sake, is willing to go to your house.”

VM 12/14/2011 From: Circe_Smith “…I'm concerned about your mom, and DD being there [for parenting time], she [DD] doesn't like being there, so that's something else you need to address.”

TX 12/16/2011 5:49:00 PM From: Circe_Smith “Your lawyer sucks. You have no clue what the hell is going on. Just go figure your case out and leave me alone. I'm done being a considerate of your circu mstances. Your mom is too ill for DD to be there [at John’s mom’s house for parenting time]. Figure out where else to take DD or she isn't visiting. If your too stupid to not have informed us of that, you're more mentally unstable than I thought. I'm done! Your game is over!”

VM 12/19/2011 From: Circe_Smith “… if you're going to start to see DD again, you'll have to let me know, because at this point I'm assuming you're just relinquishing your rights to visit her when you're supposed to because you haven't followed the agreement since we left the courtroom… You're going to have to communicate with me what you want. Because as of this point, there is no agreement as far as I'm concerned because we can't agree on, you know, expecting you to just walk in the door at the right time and drop her off at the right time, you can't do it, obviously you haven't been able to yet.”

VM 12/19/2011 From: Circe_Smith “And if what you're trying to accomplish is not to see DD, then you've done everything right. Because you can't take her someplace where there is um, somebody is unstable emotionally and physically ill without my permission [the Court ordered visitation at a neutral place: John’s Mom’s house], but you never told me your mom is in that state [elderly] … I mean, you're just sealing your fate so that you will never get to see DD at all.”

12/22/2011
EM “You don't understand, there is a huge difference between what I said and what I have done…. I say that I love my daughter to the point that I will go to any lengths to protect her… Like I have said 100 times, what I say to you and what I say to DD is always two different stories.”
EM “YOU picked your mom's house [for parenting time]. She [John’s Mom] isn't stable enough to have that happen. You put DD into a BAD situation knowingly, with no internet. What the heck were you thinking?”
VM 01/22/2012 From: Circe_Smith “…you don't have to ask my permission to see DD. It's your scheduled weekend [January 27 – 29, 2012]. All you need to do is show up….”
VM 01/27/2012 From: Circe_Smith “…my attorney asked me, do you agree that DD can go to John's [house for parenting time], and I said yes….”

01/29/2012
EM “I think you [John] are a bad influence on her [DD] and it takes a few days after she sees you to go back to being her usual self. I wouldn't encourage her to see you one minute if it wasn't for the fact that she wants to see you. So, stop acting like I have changed my story. My story has always been the same.”
EM “And I had no desire to send her to where she was being mistreated. I did, however, still encourage you to come visit with her between just the two of you at my house.”
EM “Yes. I told DD it was rude of her to change plans and decide to go with her dad for visitation when we had had our plans made for weeks… When you took her from my house with out my permission, to your house without my permission, that constitutes my claim of kidnapping.”
EM “I will not be doing the second part of driving any more after this weekend. It was your choice to move so You can drive her home after her visits. Period.”
EM “You don't need my verbal permission to bring DD home early during your visits. She is 16, for God's sake. Stop acting like she can't be by herself if you bring her home early. I am not going to make a fuss about getting my daughter back home early to the court! That would be shooting myself in the foot! I WANT her home. Why on earth would I complain about such a thing… by all means, being her home early any time. Or don't pick her up at all. You will get no argument from me!”
EM “… the only reason you are getting visitation is because the law says you are entitled to it. “

02/03/2012
EM “Just because you just decided, on your own when You wanted to start your visitation routine, without any concern for my household's schedule, do not expect things to go exactly every other weekend. “
EM “So, do not expect me to jump immediately into the dates that YOU determined with out my consent. And you will STOP contacting DD to tell her your visitation plans. Anything you are considering will be cleared through my husband Bob C. or myself. If you contact DD to make visitation arrangements like you have done for the past 6 or more years, with complete disregard for the legal court document and my household, than you will lose your opportunity to see her, whether it is "your weekend" or not.”

VM 02/05/2012 From: Circe_Smith “I'm going out to California for six days… And it is going to fall partially over the weekend that you have DD [Feb 24-26, 2012]…“

VM 02/09/2012 From: Circe_Smith “… you can't tell me when you're picking up DD [for scheduled parenting time]. Once you decide that you are forgoing your right to pick her up at six o'clock. Just like I can't tell you when I want to see DD if it's your weekend… If you come at 8, and DD is not here, that's no one's fault and no one's problem except your own for driving out here when you know she's not going to be here… If you don't like that, then we can come up with something else, but you don't just get to pick and choose because you were the one who gave up your right at 6:00. Once that happens, I don't even have to agree to anything, John, I can just keep her all weekend if you like. Because that's legally my right….”

02/10/2012
EM “… do you really "think" I told the judge I had DD ready [for scheduled parenting time]? I don't care what the judge thinks.”
EM “[After DD asked to be picked up at 9pm on 02/10/2012] I have two messages that you sent DD giving her the option of when she wanted to be picked up (oh wait, Isnt the minor child you were not suppose to be giving the choice of visitation to? Or even talking to her about in the first place? The minor child the judge DID say was not to be involved?) What I do know is that you can not change plans with out my consent…. I guess she'll just see you in two weeks at 7… The only reason I am insisting you follow the agreement is because you put me before the judge and said that is what you wanted.”
EM “I will be in California from Feb 21 to the 26. DD is staying at her friend's house with her friend's parents during the week... [if] You don't want to bring DD home on [Feb] 26th? Then fine, she will not be going to your apartment then [for scheduled parenting time], Truth be told, there is no "my weekend, your weekend”. “
EM “I am going to ask my attorney to ask how to start the calendar over and then that is what we will stick to. Until then, because neither of us have apparently been fallowing the agreement, there is no "my weekend , your weekend" Until that is cleared up, we will just have to wait for deciding visitation.”

02/16/2012
EM “how the heck can you feel entiltled to see the daughter you have betrayed by moving across town? This is about MAKING everyone do what you want. She doesnt want to see you. so you are going to MAKE her?”
EM “you asked if I am going to deny visitation again? We dont even know WHOS weekend it is! I am saying I can Not drop off DD if.you wont give her a ride home.”

02/20/2012
EM “We did not agree to you picking DD up from her friend's house [for scheduled parenting time]… Secondly, you have not proved to me that this is, in fact, your weekend. I have no evidence from you to prove it as such… Again, you will not be permitted to pick up DD from her friend's home this Friday … If you take her from her friend's home to your home this weekend, then you leave me no choice but to have the police come to your home to bring her back.”

02/29/2012
EM “She [DD] doesn't even want to go over [to your house] … I support her choice and I am not worried about your opinion of that.”

03/03/2012
EM “This was your weekend, March 2-4. The only reason I asked you to take DD last weekend [Feb 24-26] was because I was in California.”

03/06/2012
EM “… my answer to your request to visit DD this weekend [Mar 9 – 11, 2012] is: No.”
EM “And the [January] 27th [date] was a weekend your lawyer asked specifically for. One weekend. I said yes… you are not following what the judge said about your visitation happening at a neutral location [not your house or Mom’s house]. And I have tolerated it for the sake of being flexible, but I see no reason why I should accommodate this choice any longer. When you decide where the neutral location will be for your visitation, then we can start to move foward.”

03/09/2012
EM “… since you know that I do not agree that this is your weekend for visitation, and you have yet to prove that it is, you have no recourse against me because of the mutual confusion about visitation. For years and years and years, you used to be perfectly comfortable allowing DD to make the choice of whether or not she wanted to see you… See you in April. That is when the visitation will get worked out. Until that happens, no one is right. no one is wrong. We simply need to agree that we disagree. That doesn't put me in contempt.”

03/18/2012
EM "DD will obviously not be available this weekend. Her Siblings are all home from college now and they have an entire weekend planned for DD's Birthday. Do not waste your time driving out to the house when you know she will not be here. It only wastes gas and proves you are more interested in being stubborn than you are in seeing your daughter when we thought it was your weekend.”
"Stop coming to my home and sitting in my driveway when you KNOW DD is not here for your parenting time. It is meant to intimidate and harass me and I will not tolerate it any longer. I have never hovered near your home or anywhere near you and Diana. Yet you do it constantly. It needs to stop."

03/22/2012
EM “… this mail is to remind you that last weekend [Mar 16-18, 2012] was your weekend, which you missed. And this weekend, DD is busy and will not be available. Save yourself the trip…”

03/30/2012 [Re: Scheduled Parenting Time Mar 30-April 1, 2012, also see text message below]
EM “DDs work schedule is as follows: Tonight [Fri] - 7 until 11pm Tomorrow [Sat] 7 until 11 pm band rehearsal Saturday 1pm until 5pm also] Sunday 9am until 3pm. Just bring her home before work so she can get her car. Then she can drop it off at home before you pick her up. She'll need to be home 15 before her shift and will be back 15 min after I'm guessing”

02/10/2014
EM "... DD enjoyed reading your letter to me. I kept hearing her laughing from the family room. It's been working out so well for you so far. DD and I have a request: Do us a favor and at least wear a shirt that fits to her graduation. One that doesn't have your gut hanging out the bottom like usual. You're nothing but a joke to everyone so quit your armchair analysis. The reason my kids and I have a fantastic relationship is because we understand that and actually support each other for our problems. It isn't a game to win like you make it, John. Life is hard enough....why make it harder than it has to be? Didn't you have better things to use your energy for? I'm just happy that the only person on your dad's last will and testament is DD now and she will never have to worry about money. I'm happy that you are 'dead in her mind', as DD puts it, because your betrayal was devastating to her. It wasn't the best way to cope with your past together, but I guess if it works, than I have to support her for that. You know, here's a moment of clarity to give you..... I have dreams that you and Diana and our family get along. And it always feels like relief when I'm having them. But then I wake up and realize that's never going to happen. And I ask DD, "do you want me to make this happen? I can ask your dad for a truce and make it all work out again". Well DD's answer is, "It'll never happen, mom. quit thinking about it." How's that for a sad reality?"

Text Messages To/From DD, Daughter to John Smith, Father
1/18/2011 12:51:08 PM – From: DD_Smith Have you talked to mom [Circe Smith] yet about the weekend. Maybe i should come home after dinner Saturday? Just for this weekend, Idk how to make it so she isnt mad at me
1/18/2011 12:51:08 PM – To: DD_Smith I will take care of it with your mother. We have been emailing. I will let her know I will bring you back Sun around noon. Let me take care of it
1/18/2011 12:51:08 PM – From: DD_Smith Ok. Thank you. I'm sorry. I'm so sick of this.
1/18/2011 12:51:08 PM – To: DD_Smith I'm sorry you have to worry about this. There's no reason for it. Maybe I can take you to your boyfriend's house on Sun and she can get you later.
1/18/2011 12:51:08 PM – From: DD_Smith That would be wonderful.
*****************
8/16/2011 1:35:07 PM - To:DD_Smith Hi DD. You are supposed to come out here this weekend. I'm planning on picking you up on Friday. I will bring you back later on Sunday after a concert in the afternoon. You'd be back by about six.
8/16/2011 1:36:02 PM - From:DD_Smith No, dad. I told you i'm not coming out.
**********
8/31/2011 2:48:19 PM - To: DD_Smith You never said you weren't going with us to Florida … The tickets were bought way before all this got to where it has.
8/31/2011 3:00:39 PM - From: DD_Smith Yeah, I don't want yo go
8/31/2011 3:47:01 PM - From: DD_Smith Do you like this? Do you not want to see me ever again? Its been 3 months. There is just no getting through to you.
8/31/2011 3:51:47 PM - To: DD_Smith I want to see you every time you are supposed to come out [for parenting time] and YOU are the one who says no. I will see you again. Bank on it.
********** 9/29/2011 9:35:00 PM - To: DD_Smith Mom said I am supposed to pick you up this weekend [for parenting time]. I'll see you at band after the football game.
9/30/2011 6:21:18 AM - From: DD_Smith No, i'm not coming over.
9/30/2011 6:22:36 AM - To: DD_Smith Yes you are. Talk to your mom about it. See you tonight.
9/30/2011 9:23:11 AM - From: DD_Smith OK I talked to my mom. If you drive all the way out here, I promise I won't be home. You need to realize what is going on. You still don't get it. But, I will not see you tonight.
9/30/2011 3:41:08 PM - To: DD_Smith Sorry dear but you are the one who doesn't understand. Mom just texted me to say you're sick so I guess I'll see you in 2 weeks.
9/30/2011 3:46:30 PM - From: DD_Smith Actually, you won't. Unless you plan on spending the weekend out here.
********** Sent 3/30/12 4:49 PM – From: Diana_W to DD_Smith: Hi DD, your dad said you said i should text you for him since he's blocked from your phone. He said to tell you he will be out there at 7 to pick you up, so please be ready. You can talk then, he can't talk to you on the phone because he's working late. Thanks.
03/30/2011 4:56 PM – From: DD_Smith to Diana_W: OK well I won't be able to come at 7 so he can either call me or drive all the way out here for nothing again. Thanks.

Mother/Child One And The Same

e-Mail from DD to John Defending Toxic Mother
Click HERE to read DD's final statement on the matter.

TX 12/8/2010 10:49:39 AM - From: Circe_Smith Does that not BOTHER YOU that you can be 'of no help'? John. You have a child and her mom that you've abandoned. how can you not care? You did to us what your dad did to your mom, but at least your mom had grandma to help raise you. And her sisters to help her. DD should not be Bob C's [Circe's husband at that time] responsibility! He gives me shit on a daily basis because of it! I am yelled at constantly CONSTANTLY for it. Because i need his help almost every day! ''Why isn't her dad helping? Why isn't her dad driving? Why isn't her be paying? Why is her dad such a dead-beat loser?'' and ya know what.? I don't have an answer for any of those questions. but i get beat up every day for your inaction just the same! You have no idea....None.....not a clue how involved it is to raise a child. Now multiply it by 4. ! But there you sit , whether it's 10 minutes away or 65, and do NOTHING TO HELP US. Why did you get me pregnant if you are incapable of being a parent? Just because she has your last name doesn't qualify you as a father.

EM From: Circe_Smith: "strenght and independence. she is a strong strong person John. and she has a great deal of respect for her mother's ability to not just survive, but thrive! ask her if you don't believe me. please.
but, what I did about it by moving out, buying my own home, fixing every room, every plumbing problem, every heating problem, every financial problem completely and solely on my own taught my daughter a life lesson that you have yet to teach her.
We have no respect for your weight issue-- your choice, your fault. no one else's.
and it will bring you to an early grave and that makes DD angry beyond words!
you know this to be true.
I told her. She knows you can't afford to rent any house you have ever lived in,
She knows you lost the house on Vrooman, the condo by grandma, the condo your Dad bought you.
She knows you've been bankrupt and will probably end up there again because she knows you can not manage your money.
and it's obvious that you blame everyone else ! everyone! it's everyone else's fault. never Johns.
who can respect that?
DD may love you John, but she does not talk like she respects you.
you are a good cook she says. and you are funny. and a good musician.
that's it.
God, i think i would rather die than to lose her respect. i can't imagine being you.

Disobedience is Abuse to Mother

TX 1/18/2011 12:51:08 PM – From: DD_Smith
Have you talked to mom yet about the weekend. Maybe i should come home after dinner Saturday? Just for this weekend, Idk how to make it so she isnt mad at me

EM From: Circe_Smith “[On one of the visits] I told DD it was rude of her to change plans and decide to go with her dad when we had had our plans made for weeks… When you took her from my house with out my permission, out of the county with out my permission, that constitutes my claim of kidnapping.”
so, i cried hard,,,, and said how tired i was of being everyones' excuse for why they are allowed to be mean and irresponsible...and how i am so so so so tired of being the door matt....and how if i complain about being the door matt, then i get stepped on even harder...."and you know what? DD even respected that too. because , she said that she didn't realize i was that upset because i never showed it. and she didn't realize how hard all of this has been on me. i hated her knowing i was hurting. i felt terrible about it. she IS NOT a burden and i never want her to feel that way about herself. i tell her constantly, everything is not a problem, because i never ever want her to feel like a burden like everyone in my life makes me feel

Mother Exceptionalism

From: Circe_Smith ...and if you think it's so easy here on my end, and you think i'm such a bad mom and if you think you are the perfect parents, come live my life for a week or two. then tell me how simple and straight foward it is to raise 4 kids under these circumstances.
it is a balancing act every single daY.
and you get the luxury of only being involved once or twice a month.

want me to say your'e dad of the year? you're not.
im not mom of the year either...
but, i think when you compare the amnount of effort i put into DD, you can't find a better mom.

you have no idea.
no idea
how used up i feel. and taken for granted.
here i am KNOCKING my self out to do EVERYHING FOR BOO
and i give and give and give and give and give.
and then i do one thing wrong, and BAMM....i'm the unwanted postman's illegitamate daughter....

SO where is the thank you's
where is the parade.
?
where are the "Im sorry's and I know, i realize that....s
where is the award, the atta-girl
where is the thank you
and the "good job"

I expected you to do as much as me
i still do.
i want that for her. For her.
she deserves that. every kid does.
i want you to work as hard at it as i do. all day. every day. try and try and try some more

I gave up everything I have so that WE could have a happy, healthy, bright, interesting, polite, educated, kind daughter. I nurtured her in every way possible. I went above and beyond, something you never ever have been willing to do.
and damn it, that deserves something .
if nothing else, at lease SOME RESPECT.

08/31 From: Circe_Smith
guess that is why I have 4 happy, well adjusted, well mannered, successful, kind, mature kids.
and yes, that was a boastful thing to say on my part. but, gosh darn it, John,....i have worked TOO TOO hard at being a good parent to not admit that i did a good job.

09/01 EM From: Circe_Smith
I invested an entire day to your emails. I couldn't have been more sincere, honest, and generous with my approach. not that you've earned my generosity
But, so am i. I am getting from my kids what I put out.
only i have the results that I hope for. I have respectful kids that have gratitude and respect for me. because I have earned it.
and what do you have?

And you have never, once, had to question your daughter's happiness, safety, health because you know that I am an excellent mom, even though you hate to admit that. And all three of my kids and DD are all proof of that.

What you can't stand about me is that I am the most responsible, attentive, protective, active, caring, supportive, helpful, unselfish, loving parent that you could have ever
hoped to raise your daughter, and it makes you crazy that you can not think of a single REAL example where I have ever, once, put your daughter in harm's way.


Celebrating 16 years of friendship, May 2012.

Boundaries Do Not Apply To Mother

EM From: Circe_Smith we never use to have these intense problems. we had some, but never like this!
you stopped trying, john. and Diana gave you all the enforcement and excuses you needed to make you feel like it was ok.
well,
it's not ok john.
next time your bulldog tells you to stand up to me, tell her to go sit down on her blanket...you got it handled.

All Other Child Caregivers Are Irrelevant

EM From: Circe_Smith: Talk about unfounded; the woman doesn't even know what she is talking about. She has heard your one-sided warped opinions of me and you believe that this constitutes a non-bias accurate assessment of my parenting skills. The proof is in the pudding, as they say. I think I have 30 or 40 supporters of my parenting techniques to off set the ramblings of one controlling girlfriend.

Mother Is All-Important

EM From: Circe_Smith: you make it very very hard for me!
and YOU DON"T EVER SAY THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
why can't you just say thank you???!!!!
"good job circe"
"how are ya doing circe....do you need anything"
NOT
because i am your ex wife......we were never married john. face it.
BUT because I am THE MOTHER OF YOUR DAUGHTER!
it's called common decency.

you waltz in and say a couple, "i love you's" and a couple, "mom is nuts" and POOOF, all is forgiven.
why?
why?
it's not fair.
I DID ALL THE WORK.
she is a good person cuz she tells me I, MOMMMY, made her that way.
I, MOMMY, made all her brothers and sister that way.
ME. MOMMY.
and dad???
dad?
he taught her how to cook.
and he picks her up and brings her back from his visits.

You have a small handful of incidences concerning me. I made bad choices, I have discussed them with DD, I have apologized and owned responsibility for my poor actions. But, like I have mentioned to you before, the number of times I have behaved poorly towards DD is so drastically out numbered by the number of times I have acted in her best interest that she has gotten past my faults months and months ago.

You don't understand, there is a huge difference between what I said and what I have done.
I say that I love my daughter to the point that I will go to any lengths to protect. her. (normal mother behavior. find a good mom that wouldn' t say that )
I DO everything according to the parenting agreement as I choose to understand it.
and I DO more than 10 moms combined to make sure our daughter is happy and given every opportunity to succeed.

(John’s comment about the court case: You're going to have to explain that one in front of the social workers and judge assigned to this case. They deal with moms like you every day.)
Circe’s Reply:
Really? They deal with mom's like me everyday? Mom's that have a history of doing nothing but caring for their kids above themselves? Mom's that have 4 kids that are so well liked, so well respected, so well accomplished? So well adjusted? Cool, then I bet they have a pretty easy job.

EM From: Circe_Smith: What i have is a stable, responsible, respectable, successful group of kids that adore me and appreciate what I do for them.
I think I rather be me, thanks.

January 2011 VM From: Circe_Smith:

And I know that when you and I were married to one another, I was all about wanting about wanting to control what you did so that you could stay home and be the dad I wanted you to be and the husband I wanted you to be, but you wanted to be a musician. And the more I pushed, the worse it got. And you misinterpreted me telling you to be the dad I want you to be as me trying to control and trying to push. Um. I, I want to control the circumstances that DD is in when she is under your care because of what she tells me um, when she is there because you remember you actually laughed at me when you were dating Amy, I didn't care what happened, because DD was happy and you were happy and DD was happy to be around you because you were happy and you were like, why aren't you being obnoxious like I was when you had DD at your house with you and Greg? Even though I left you for Greg, you actually kind of laughed about it. And the bottom line is I didn't have to be controlling then because DD was happy. So I'm going to insist that if DD goes to wherever you're living, she is going to be happy there.

Mother’s Emotions Justify Any Action

EM From: Circe_Smith: I said, I just did what came naturally. i tried to be a constant example of how to be a good person.
and the times i have failed ( and i failed ALOT !) have been forgiven because the good grossly outweighed the bad.

I love them to death. i love them so much, i get annoying. i love them and then i love them some more. i put them first, second, forth, 100th, thouthanth,
(that was a joke)
and because they see me trying SO damn hard, the kids forgive my short comings.

DD and I fix our issues on the spot. as they happen.
She tells me what she thinks, I confirm it as valid or not.


Branded, November 2012 age 16.

In severe cases of parental alienation, the child is utterly brain- washed against the alienated parent. At this point, the alienator can truthfully say that the child doesn't want to spend any time with this parent, even though she has told the child that he has to, it is a court order, etc. The alienator typically responds, "There isn't anything that I can do about it. I'm not telling him that he can't see you."

02/10/2014
EM From Circe_Smith: "... DD enjoyed reading your letter to me. I kept hearing her laughing from the family room. It's been working out so well for you so far. DD and I have a request: Do us a favor and at least wear a shirt that fits to her high school graduation. One that doesn't have your gut hanging out the bottom like usual. You're nothing but a joke to everyone so quit your armchair analysis. The reason my kids and I have a fantastic relationship is because we understand that and actually support each other for our problems. It isn't a game to win like you make it, John. Life is hard enough....why make it harder than it has to be? Didn't you have better things to use your energy for? I'm just happy that the only person on your dad's last will and testament is DD now and she will never have to worry about money. I'm happy that you are 'dead in her mind', as DD puts it, because your betrayal was devastating to her. It wasn't the best way to cope with your past together, but I guess if it works, than I have to support her for that. You know, here's a moment of clarity to give you..... I have dreams that you and Diana and our family get along. And it always feels like relief when I'm having them. But then I wake up and realize that's never going to happen. And I ask DD, "do you want me to make this happen? I can ask your dad for a truce and make it all work out again". Well DD's answer is, "It'll never happen, mom. quit thinking about it." How's that for a sad reality?"

Note from John: You can almost hear her smug smile in these words, can't you? So proud of her daughter's complete rejection.