Why Expose the Narcissist?

Whatever the label that fits your toxic partner - narcissist, parental alienator, sociopath, verbal abuser - they all share the same core: charismatic charm. They manipulate, lie and worm their way into the hearts of anyone they wish to ensnare into the drama of their lives. They are chameleons, capable of changing their personna in order to fit into your life so perfectly, it is nearly impossible not to be taken in by it. The very act of grooming a new supply is part of the challenge that captivates narcissists to do the crazy things they do. "Playing people" is their obsession, and they will do anything to win the game. They feel no guilt or remorse toward the lives they destroy along the way.

What I learned while living with Parental Alienation Syndrome is that the biggest fear of the alienating parent is exposure. During high-conflict divorce, even the smallest transgression is blown-up into a gigantic monster-sized crime. Accusations fly from both sides, and the children are often caught in the middle. The alienating parent feels no shame in creating false accusations of abuse, child abuse and neglect in order to "win" in court.

Once others have been convinced of the alienating parent's lies, however, the REAL work begins: preventing exposure. It is impossible to stop the PAS snowball once it has started to roll downhill. She must be very manipulative and cunning with everyone around her to ensure the lies are never revealed, or else she will lose the game. This doesn't just include separating the children from the other parent. It also includes separating the other parent from anyone under the alienating parent's control: friends, relatives, even relatives of the other parent. Once this is accomplished and the smear campaign against the other parent is fully realized, the alienating parent feels their work is finished.

It's the classic narcissistic game of manipulation. The liar will never admit her guilt, and therefore has nothing to lose (chronic liars like these even assume everyone else would do the same thing or behave in the same way). It looks like this: the truth-teller makes an honest statement ("I drove out to pick up my daughter but she wasn't there"), the liar says the opposite ("I don't know what he's talking about. My daughter was ready EVERY TIME, but her dad never bothered to show up."). The listener (friend, relative, attorney or judge) must assume that the truth lies somewhere in-between. This diminishes the truth-teller and gives credibility to the liar. Now the lie has a ring of truth to it. Because she would be in trouble anyway, the liar doesn't care if she gets caught in the lie. Her work is done. It's now the responsibility of the truth-teller to PROVE that they are telling the truth, or the liar gets away with it.

In my own situation, it became very clear that the biggest fear of the alienating parent was indeed being found out. But it goes far beyond people learning of the years of verbal abuse and denial of parenting time with my daughter. My ex-wife had been on a decade-long smear campaign, capturing the hearts of the children, relatives and friends with false sob-stories that I was an absent, deadbeat father who wasn't interested in parenting. Over time, Circe had many people convinced that I didn't pay child support, that I didn't want to take my daughter for parenting time or assist her with extra expenses - all lies. The truth is, I attended more of my daughter's activities than she did. But If my daughter had a basketball game or a concert that I couldn't attend because of a work conflict, she would complain loudly to everyone who would listen, including my daughter, that I wasn't there because I did not love my daughter enough to make the time to go. (Of course, when SHE missed a game or concert - which was very often - it was always excusable.) It was as if she brought these accusations to life merely by saying them. This kind of thing is reflected heavily in the correspondence from my ex-wife and daughter.

Circe flitted through short-term relationships like a bee in a field of flowers, each time leaving a broken man in her wake. But outwardly, she wore a mask designed to fool everyone into thinking it was always her partner's fault. She boasted loudly that it was SHE who provided for all four of the children, keeping superficial relationships afloat by charming people with stories designed to show her in a brilliant light while smearing anyone she didn't like. Any accomplishments the children made were naturally due to her superior skills as a parent. No one could ever know the truth: that her ex-husband was the primary caretaker for the older three children, and even cared for my daughter during the weeks when Circe didn't have parenting time, and that she found every excuse she could to avoid responsibility for their transportation or paying for any of their needs. Never mind that the children were often confused and bewildered when she acted one way around them and a different way around everyone else. Circe never had to prove that she was who she claimed to be.

All that changed when I began to date Diana. Diana was also a divorced, single parent. But unlike Circe, Diana is a successful working woman, whose positive-thinking philosophy is to build people up instead of tearing them down. She is also a great mom, and has a son my daughter's age who saw his father regularly. Diana is not just an advocate for drama-free living - she is also more family-oriented than Circe. I would even go as far as to say that Diana is the mother that Circe claimed to be.

Circe's biggest fear is being discovered as a fraud. If my daughter spent too much time with Diana, all the lies that Circe had told her about me would be exposed. She would also get to see what a normal parenting schedule between two divorced parents looked like. What it all boiled down to was this: my daughter could have half a dozen step-fathers, but NEVER a step-mother.

Circe had no control over the older three children, because they were in the custody of their father. But as custodial parent of my daughter, she WAS in control of DD. Circe knows no boundaries, and what little parenting time I was permitted to have was always under her control. When she realized that Diana and I were serious, she began a horrible, unfounded smear campaign against Diana to try to separate us and, failing that, to limit my daughter's exposure to my wife. Little by little, I watched my daughter change into a different girl. Where she was once sunny and friendly to all of my friends, she became stand-offish and rude. As she entered high school, she claimed to be "too old" to spend time with her father, and stopped coming over even for short visits after school - unless she needed a ride to a friend's house. Any time I tried to plan something special for us to do, she either declined the invitation or found some other excuse not to go or to cut it short. For the last six months that I lived in the same suburb as my daughter, I never saw her unless I was dropping her off somewhere.

A year and a half into our relationship, Diana and I took the step of moving in together. The thought of my daughter spending one-on-one time with me and my "new family" across town filled Circe with narcissistic rage. These examples show what that kind of rage looks like.

-John

More Information

The Path Back to Self: Popping the Narcissistic Bubble

Male Targets of Female Narcissists

The Importance of Setting Boundaries with your Narcissistic Ex

Things Narcissists Do

Love Letters

After divorce & after DD is born, Circe is still in love with her first husband. These are supposed to be letters from Circe to John that describe how much she "loves" him. It's a very telling glimpse into how this toxic relationship unfolded and collapsed so quickly, and the attachment that Circe still has to this day for her ex-husband.

The Boundry Manifesto

John writes a letter to set boundaries with Circe about visitation and parenting time with his daughter. This is something he had never done before. Circe's response is horrific, dismissive, often incoherent, completely lacking in empathy and very telling of who she really is and the narcissistic games she plays with the people in her life. At no point does she ever consider anyone else's feelings except her own, and at no point does she consider the importance of John's presence in her daughter's life. In fact, she makes it quite clear that she will oppose any attempt on John's part to establish a new, regular parenting schedule with his daughter, something she had denied him since they were divorced in 2001.

Fairy Tales and Other Stories

The excuses and stories that Circe and DD have used in court and with family members and friends to justify keeping DD separated from John are extensive, but there is another side to their stories - "What Really Happened". Each version of the story is presented with e-mail, text and voice messages to back up the truth. The reader will discover how even a happy experience can easily be perverted into something negative, and how a skilled liar can twist anything to gain sympathy from those around her.

DD’s Therapy / Dr. Carolyn / Circe’s Mental State

All four of Circe's children (including DD) had been seeing a family therapist for more than 15 years to help them cope with their mother's mental issues. When the court suggested family counseling for John and DD, naturally a therapist DD knew and trusted would seem to be the perfect fit. John made appointments and met once with Dr. Carolyn about his concerns.

After claiming it was her idea in the first place, Circe then does everything she can to sabotage and cancel the appointments. Eventually, Circe reported the therapist to the hospital board of ethics and claimed that family therapy was a conflict of interest. Not surprisingly, Dr. Carolyn excused herself from further involvement with this family after that point.

Toxic Voices:
Voice Mail Message Transcripts from Circe to John

Transcriptions from January, 2011 to Feb, 2012

A year's worth of voice mail messages starting about a month after John and Diana moved in together. Circe decided to invent stories of abuse against Diana in order to justify denial of parenting time for John, often involving other members of John and Circe's family. In Circe's eyes, mother and daughter are one and the same. Since Mother feels angry and abandoned that John dared start a new life, Daughter must also feel angry and abandoned. Even though Circe left John for another man, Circe and John had been divorced for 10 years, and Circe was remarried to someone else, she still felt John should be under her control and was not afraid to tell him so. Once John drew boundaries, however, Circe went over the edge. The voice mails became so hostile that John eventually had to block Circe's number from his phone and only communicate with Circe via Our Family Wizard.

(A Note About the Voice Mails: These are all available via .mp3 if you need to hear them for yourself in Circe's very own voice. Circe's claims of abuse by Diana and John were fabricated by Circe herself (and in some cases, DD) and completely unfounded. A very typical symptom of PAS is that the alienating parent will invent claims of abuse, even convincing the children and other family members that there is abuse. Circe went so far as to walk into a police station to make an attempt at a restraining order. Once the police spoke to John and Diana, they realized what was happening and Circe's petition never even made it in front of a judge. There has never been an incident of abuse, physical or verbal, while DD was under the care of John and Diana. Likewise, Circe's claims that John was not financially responsible for DD are also unfounded. John never missed a child support, alimony or insurance payment. In addition to the court-ordered obligations, John also paid for DD's school lunches, music lessons, extra-curricular school activity fees, baseball and basketball fees, school field trips, camp costs, medical bills that weren't covered by insurance, school supplies, clothing and more.)

Journal of a Weekend Visit

After weeks of no contact with his daughter and months after the court hearing, John and Circe's attornies finally work out a day to start the court-ordered parenting schedule. This is a journal that John kept over the course of that weekend, documenting the story as it unfolded, and Circe's hyperbolic e-mail after he dropped DD back at home. It is a very typical representation of what John's visits with his daughter had been like for years, and the last time DD would spend the night at John's house.