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Love LettersAfter her divorce from Jeff K, after DD is born, and after Circe and John have moved in together, Circe finds she is still in love with her first husband (Jeff K). These are supposed to be letters from Circe to John that describe how much she "loves" John. It's a very telling glimpse into how this toxic relationship unfolded and collapsed so quickly, and the attachment that Circe still has to this day for her first ex-husband. @1996 (Written over the course of a few days during a camping trip w/her ex-husband Jeff K. and all the kids, including an infant DD.) Hi John. I'm in a bathroom in a hotel room somewhere on Rt. 250. DD is sleeping in my arms. The middle one and Jeff K (ex husband) are asleep in one bed; the other two kids are in the other. I'm not sure what that leaves for DD & I but I'm sure I'll manage. The trip down so far has been interesting. Jeff K. is a total spaz, but I make him that way. He tells me I've stressed him out since day one. What can I say. I think I do that to everyone. I hate that part of my personality. I think I'm the type that should live alone for everyone else's sake, not mine. So I got to hear all about Jeff's girlfriends, past & present, on the way down here. I usually dont ever discuss you because I don't want to hurt my ex-husband's feelings, but tonight I thought "Fuck it. He never worries about my feelings; why am I always bending over backwards to spare his?" So I brought you up in the conversation several times. Poop, she's up. Man, need some space. I'm feeling so claustrophic today. Boy am I tired. I think I'm right on the edge of becomming massively depressed. I'm a little worried. i need to do somthing fast to offset this like an exercise program or something. What am I going to do with this baby in a bathroom for an hour? I wish we would have just kept going & set up camp. He asked my opinion but I said "whatever". I knew he wanted to stop & I wasn't in the mood to hear the whinning & screaming at the kids if he would have been overly inconvenienced. Well she needs some Mom time. Talk to you soon. xxoo Oh Hi John, this is Darla! I had to give up your little precious to her mommy. Ya know I wondered why she was smiling so much - poopy panties! Hope to see ya sooner or later here! Bye! Hi honeybun, I'm back. It's Saturday night now. I didn't have my book (notebook) to write in last night because Jeff took some of my stuff when he went up to Cleveland. Last night he had that dinner that he SWORE UP & DOWN about that he was going to ALONE. I knew better. He'd been saying for a week & a half that he wasn't taking anyone with him. Then when he didn't show up last night & didn't get here until 1:30 this afternoon, I knew he'd spent the night with his girlfriend. In the mean time I was tired, bitchy, stressed wreck from having the kids BY MYSELF in the rain & COLD!! I just about froze my ass off & was a wrech trying to keep all the kids warm last night. And this morning I had NO HELP & the kids were in their prime. Poor younger son ended up wetting his pants because I had no vehicle to get him to the potty with. John, I have to be totally honest with you. A couple of weeks ago I really had some serious thoughts about going back to my ex-husband (gee, that's new). Only enough that it HURT to be rejected AGAIN. (But not enough to actually do it.) You know, the same game he's been playing with me for the last 11 months. I think deep down inside I know we have NO business getting back together, but I let him play this game with me because I like the attention. It's almost like I need it. You know, the attention I never got while I was married to him. It's like I want to be able to justify marrying him in the first place. I use to feel badly for you when I would freak out over him rejecting me. I'm so sorry for all those times. And your big heart would not only understand what I was going through, but you'd try to console me. Why are you so nice? Actually mature is the right word. God I miss you right now. I took some of your stuff to read with me. I didn't take enough because I read it all in just the first night. Last night I read to our daughter while lying in bed. She got so quiet & just listened. It was really beautiful sharing that with her. I felt like you were there with us. I hope you never stop writing. I LOVE that part of you. It's funny how jealous I get when I read about the love you have for Krissy. I think the difference between those feelings that I have for my ex-husband & you is that they are a positive jealousy (if that's possible). It makes me miss you more & I want to be with you & hold you & show you how strong my love for you is. My jealous feelings for my ex-husband just get me pissed off. So anyway, I miss you BAD. I thought of you 5 hundred times today. I haven't showered yet. OH well, I'm camping, right? We went on a hay ride today for an hour. It was really fun! She loved it. She smiled the whole time. Gosh I never nursed a baby on a hay ride before. Scott & I played flute duets outside after dinner today. Now we're all sitting around the campfire singing badly. My ex-husband is in his usual unsocial spot 50 feet away from everyone else. I'm running out of daylight so I'll have to stop now. John, last night I realized (again) what a fantastic person you are honey. Please, John, don't ever take your love from me. You have so much to give. If I think I'm jealous of my ex-husband, I can't even imagine how it would feel to know that your love was being given to someone else. Shit, I can't even see a damn thing. I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I try again tomorrow. Good morning my love. I reread my birthday book again so I could feel close to you. My goal is to put everything you've ever written into one book (with lots of copies in case it ever gets lost) so that I can always have you with me. Especially at times like this. I have a very strong feeling about my ex-husband and his new girlfriend, Ann. I think this one might go all the way. That's going to mean a lot of changes for my life; our life. Some changes will be good & others not so good. But I need you & I to stay strong. We have so so much potential together. You are the ONE. I hope someday I'll be able to put my feelings for you into words as beautifully as you do. I can't tell you enough how your words touch me. My heart & my mind (I believe that combination equals the soul) feel connected to you in some unbelievably strong way when I'm apart from you. It almost seems stronger when I'm not with you if that's possible. I've had such nice thoughts of you this weekend. Monday can't come soon enough. I just keep rethinking how good it will feel to see you walk through the door, come to me, and hold me. And kiss me in that perfectly wonderful way that you do. I love you John and I'm tired of hiding it. It felt so good, but strange, to be with you while my sister was in our house. I wish that experience could happen all the time. Which brings me back to my point I was trying to make before about the changes. I belive that once I HAVE to break totally away from my ex-husband, you & I will finally have our chance to grow & become the lovers we've always dreamed was possible. But I'll need your help. I honestly can't answer why I'm so jealous of my ex-husband. I don't have an explanation of why I can't let go of my past. I don't know what the obsession comes from. I don't know why I need his attention to make me feel as though I'm worth something. It's that ego shit or something. But John, it's not healthy & I have to move on somehow. I know this. But it's the transition from here to there that's going to be tough. You lose your patience with me 100 times faster than you use to. That makes me very sad because I know it's my fault; I've worn you down. But lots of love & attention is going to be the medicine I'll need from you. The other night when I was crabby, you tried for about ONE MINUTE & A HALF to help me out of my slump because you knew I couldn't do it on my own. But I wasn't responding & you gave up IMMEDIATELY & I just wanted to cry all the harder. I promise, John, somehow I will make it all up to you. I really do still believe that I can love you like no one else can. We still have an Endless number of possibilities to explore together. I Hi John. It's me. Well I've had one pretty awful weekend. Thank God I'll never have to do that again. John, I'm having a terrible time with all this. And I know you have no sympathy for me. But trust me, this is the worst pain I have ever known in my life. I feel like some part of my ex-husband and me is dieing or already dead & I'm just now doing the mourning. I've been so sad this weekend that I've been to the point of wanting to throw up. Just imagine if you & Kathy had 3 kids together & you knew you had to deal with her for the rest of your life & watch her get on with her life EVERYDAY without you in it. Trust me, it sucks. I just never completed my mourning process. And each time I started to, I got scared and stopped. Now I don't have that choice. My decision has been made for me & I'll have to deal with all of this whether I want to or am ready or not. John, I'm really getting very depressed lately. I'm getting nervous about not being able to smile about anything except our daughter DD. I need to go away with you for a while. We need some time together. We need to make some memories. And John, I need you to write for me. Anything. A grocery list will do. John help me. My guts are going to blow. Of course my ex-husband has to rub salt in my wounds 2 seconds ago & tell me that they already have several weekends alone together planned with his girlfriend. I just told him he'll have to get a baby sitter for the other kids because I'm busy all those weekends. He's gonna have to figure out the hard way that KIDS ARE GONNA BE TOUGH ON THE LOVE LIFE. I need an ativan. My guts are mush. I only slept 2 hours last night. I spent the night crying. My eye balls feel like they're gonna pop out of my head. Why did he have to pull this shit on my only vacation that I've had in almost a year? Wow I can say some pretty cutting & bitchy things John. How can I be such an angry person at times? I hate myself when I get like this. I've got to stop being so bitter. I just don't know how. I get pissed off when I think of all the things that my ex-husband fucked up in our relationship & now that he has all this figured out, he's going to do all these wonderful things - WITH SOMEONE ELSE. FOR SOMEONE ELSE. @1997 Dear John, To say this is a sad day is an understatement. As if it wasn't bad enough that I'm coming to terms with being ready to emotionally detach myself from my ex-husband, I end up finding a very disturbing reminder that you're not all mine. I washed my oboe music bag yesterday. It came out great. When I was cleaning the boys room this morning, I noticed that the soft briefcase I bought you for Christmas was really dirty. So, I thought "Won't John be excited to see that clean again". I really didn't worry that cleaning out a work brief case was imvading your privacy. To be honest, at first I didn't even give it a thought. But once I found HER picture, I realized a lot of things. 1. You're not committed to me because of a lost dream. Someone who would have been a lot closer to your "perfect" love than I will ever be. 2. I'm too mean to love. So naturally you cling to an ideal. Hope. Life. I only cause pain & hurt. She's an angel in your eyes. I can't believe how sad I am right now. When I let go of my ex-husband in my heart while we were married, all I felt was numb. And anger to a small degree. But with you, I feel a sadness as deep as an ocean. Because I blew it & I know I did. With my ex-husband, I was letting go of a fantasty man that didn't exist. I believed he was something I eventually realized he wasn't. But with you I know I let go of a man that I truly love because of who he used to be before I killed him. And only another "new" love affair will ever bring that man to life. I told Father Steve that I wanted new roles for us so that you & I could start over gain. We would no longer be all the unhealthy "people" we have trapped ourselves into being. But a job like that can't be done alone & you're not a willing participant. So there is only one way to wake John up again. You're going to have to find someone else. Someone who makes you WANT to be the best you can be. Someone who isn't a constant reminder, as I am, of all the battles. You're never going to be able to look at me without being reminded of all the nasty, ugly, things I've said & done & all the hurt that is in your body. Hurt that is immediately brought to the service just by the sight or thought of me. We are never going to be able to start from scratch, John. There is too much history. Too many scars. Too much sadness & anger. I can't be the new me I hope to become if you won't stop being the old you. Not the old old John I fell in love with. I'd take him in a minute. I mean the recent John you've become since meeting me. I think seeing the fact that you still have that picture made me painfully aware that I fall SO short of what you need, there is no hope for us. You feel in love with an idea of what I was. The tall blonde oboe player that was really wonderful but her emotionally abusive husband didn't know how to love her. (And I said I took on "projects"?) John, you needed to be a hero. Whether you fixed my marriage & I went back or whether I stayed with you & fell desperately in love & lived happily ever after. But your dream wasn't real. I had a billion problems that you didn't anticipate & you couldn't fix them like you hoped you could. So there you were; stuck with this poor excuse for a musician that wasn't really blonde & hated the fact that she was tall. And I've been nothing but a disappointment to you ever since. You can't love to your hightest potential because Im not the one for you, John. Even now, when I look at what you've written to Cristy vs. what you've written to me, I realized I'm not the one. For GOD SAKE, you didn't even sleep with her & you had 90x more affection for her than you've ever had for me. At first John, I was a fun time to be had. Then, once we decided to make a go of it together, I became your obsession. You couldn't let me go back to my husband because then you'd "lose". And then came my pregnancy with DD. Then I was your obligation. Then our marriage. And ever since, I've been the thorn in your side. I'm not suggesting that you go find Christy & break up her marriage (if she's even still married. You may be lucky). I'm saying that you need to find a true angel. You deserve that. You don't deserve the agony you feel obligated to me. We've not married in the church yet. It would only be a legal thing. You could be with someone who treats you like a person instead of a kid. You're all put together now. You have your college degree. You have a great job that you like & pays well. You have a good looking car. Half of this house, after the loan, would pay off all your debt. You'd be in great shape. You can have DD whenever you like. You'd be a great catch for any one. You're young. You're trying to get in shape. You've got it all. And you could leave guilt-free. I know how to be by myself now. I have grown enough that you know I wouldn't be stupid enough to go back with my ex-husband. you could visit with the big kids as much as possible. No guilt. You're free! I'm not going to let myself feel all the feelings that are trying to come up right now. Feelings are useless. I never get to use them on you anyway. The only one I get to use is happy & mad, that's it! The rest are too much work I guess. Or not important to me. Who knows what you think. Certainly not me. I just keep imagining a happy John writing to a beloved. Smiling, content, satisfied, eager to love. I want that for you, John. I still love you so much that I want that for you. You deserve that. And I have no right to keep you from that. Every one deserves to be happy, remember? That's why I left my ex-husband. I trusted your insight. It seemed like a truth that shouldn't be ignored. So don't ignore it now. GO! I set you free, John. Go find happiness. Your heart is screaming for it. Don't die a slow death. I will go to my own hell if I let that happen to you & I won't let that happen to ME. I do love you. Leave before my anger buries that too. me @1997 Dear John I wanted to email you today but I didn't have time. I wanted to say that I do know exactly what I do wrong every day. You must think I am incapable of being a good wife because I'm sure you can't even remember when I was normal and nice. In fact I can't even remember when I was normal & nice. But I BEGGED Jesus today to help me be nice & I can't do it. I just can't. Every time life gets involved w/us, I freak. I can't handle just being patient & nice. I am so angry about something. Or maybe is a bunch of little somethings. I don't know but I hve to learn soon because pretty soon I'm going to MAKE you leave only because I can't do this to you, me & us anymore. Call it a family trait, but I am accustomed to only pointing out the bad & not the good. And according to you, even though I do complicment you often, you say the bad is far exceeding the good & that's why you feel so awful about the things I say. And then I got to thinking. Do I not like any traits in John? Is that why I have a hard time pointing out good things? Or is it that I'm just stupid & can't remember to do it? Well, I think it's choice 3. I'm mad & I don't want to. Just like last night, I have the urge to say all kinds of wonderful things that pop into my mind to you. But then some anger button gets triggered & I stop myself so understand this. PAY ATTENTION. I AM STILL HERE BECAUSE I DO think you are a wonderful person with all kinds of wonderful qualities. I just don't tell you. That's it. Nothing nothing nothing nothing you do for the sake of this marriage goes un-noticed. Nothing. If you don't believe me, ask Father Steve. I talk about your sacrifices to him all the time. And just to prove how observant I am, I will list a few of things you do that I am eternally grateful for because without them, we would be separated. 1. You go in late for work because I have "just one more thing" for you to do. Maybe you know in your heart that I'm asking you to do these things because I miss you don't want you to leave. Maybe you do it because you miss us & don't want to leave. But I never get controlling about it because it's always an act of love & I have no problem with reasons like that. 2. You call eve when I don't call you first. Just in case I might have something I need to discuss. Or maybe because you need to hera my voice. Or maybe because you know I always will hand the phone over to DD so she can hear her Daddy's voice. Even though you know I may be really bitchy, you stil take your chances & call anyway. 3. You put gas in my car because it's low. 4. You buy milk because it's something I find nearly impossible to remember. 5. You cook cream of wheat to calm my mood & ease my stomach. 6. You play music to keep us all smiling. 7. You run errands w/us because you know I want your company. 8. You bring up water at night in case we get thirsty. 9. You clean the house when it's obviously I have no time to get to it. Now the list is longer, but at this point I thought I'd point out your natural born qualities that you think escape my vision: 1. I love how strong you are. You are strong enough to do anything in my mind. No lid, grass cutter, dresser, or tree branch stands a chance against you. 2. You're funny. 3. You have a great laugh. I envy people that can laugh out loud without sounding stupid. The whole world seems right when you laugh. 4. You have a computer memory chip for a brain. I can't believe what you remember at times. 5. You're musically telanted to the point whereI admire your knowledge of music let alone your playing. 6. I am amazed at your courage to try new things. I don't know if you're confident or just stupid. But either way you charge forward in admirable enthusiasm. 7. You have good teeth. Good teeth. 8. You have compassion for others. 9. You cry at sad movies. 10. You can write poetry. 11. You're incredible in bed. 12. You can go for an inhuman amount of time without sleep. 13. You know how to go everywhere without a map. 14. You are not judgemental. 15. You don't focus on negative things as much as most people. 16. You don't try to make yourself look good by making others look bad (except for me but let's not go there). 17. You have all the spiritual stuff in order & don't brag about it even though you could. 18. You look great in glasses. 19. You have the stick-to-it-tive-ness to lose 30 lbs. 20. You think I'm funny. Oh wait. That's a compliment for me. 21. You have done the ultimate in the world's most difficult task!!! i.e. you manage to love me against ALL odds (and for that you are a saint). I want you to do something for me. I want you to honestly admit what things are for me, us, you, DD, the kids & so on. Don't say "I lost 30lbs for you & you don't appreciate it". I've said all along, Lose it for yourself & for DD. Do it because you should. Not because I said so. Don't give me that much power. Look at all your major & minor accomplishments & instead of putting me on the guilt trip & say "I did this for you & you don't appreciate it" just say "I did this for me & it also benefitted others too". You dump a lot more on me in ways that you can't even see, than you realize. Father Steve has been saying this to me for years & I never understood what he meant until today. But it is taking a very hard toll on me & it has to stop. A lot of my anger is subconscious. I think the "dumping guilt" issue is a good example of this. Remember that Anger is what holds you at a distance from me & lets my hurtful words fly. Until we find all the points that trigger anger between us, we will never really fix the problem. It's hard to forgive when you're not even sure what you are forgiving. Let's take a closer look at everything but from a different perspective with different glasses on. Understand what I'm saying? Lets assume nothing. Imagine that we just landed from Mars. "Why is he saying that? What does he mean by it? Does he know what he is doing & how much it affects me?" & so on. OK? Love,
@1999 Dear Daddy John, I know I never tell you enough, but I think you're a good father & husband. I have these screwed up ideals that are totally unrealistic (probably like the ones you have of me) and I impose them on you when I am feeling inadequate in some way. I'm beginning to see this pattern. It's all mixed up & it doesn't always fall in to this catagory, but there are times when I should be carrying more of the load but I don't because I can't for some reason. Then I blame you because things aren't running smoothly. Or, I really am too busy to do all the things & I expect you to be able to read my mine & know what I need you to do. Or I tell you to do something & you don't because you forget & I get really made & hurt. It's all about teamwork. Together we can do this. Alone, we fail. With all my love,
ps. But, & this is what I started to say, overall you're really good at all this being married stuff. I'm just too critical. @2000 Dear John, I wish you could understand that my meanness & name calling and nasty remarks to you are a side effect of my frustration & need to fight back. I want to make you hurt as much as I hurt inside. Whether you do it to me intentionally or not, your carelessness towards me hurts a great deal. I take it personally. Every time you act in a seemingly thoughtless way, I retaliate. But all that was an explanation as to why I behave like a jerk & not an apology. And if I heard you right this morning & many times before, you want an apology. So, hear is my apology. I am sorry. I am sorry that I have a bad temper. I am sorry I hurt your freelings by intentionally saying things to hurt you on purpose. I am sorry I make you pay because I am unhappy & want to make you unhappy with me. I am sorry I have destroyed your self-esteem & confidence. I am sorry I am so ignorant. I am sorry I ruined your party. I am sorry I tried to take your daughter from you this morning. I am sorry I always wish we were divorced. I am sorry I am the bitch that you hate more than I am the woman you used to love. I am sorry you feel stuck in a relationship you hate because I got pregnant. I am sorry I am the reason you are so unhappy. Me @2000 John, Are you still there? Where are we John? I was reading some of your poetry today one minute ago and I'm dieing inside. There is a ball in the pit of my stomach like a thing with spines all over it tipping me up as it turns around finding any & everything I am to hurt. I am jealous of a ghost. A woman that will always stay perfect in your mind. And me? I'm the miserable bitch you have to tolerate on a daily basis. I'm done John. All of me is everything I don't want to be. All of you is what is left after years of ugly war. I want that man in those pages. I want to love that man to hold him & make passionate sexy lusty beautiful sticky sweaty happy desperate love to him. I am right now in my mind or in some other reality I am right now. Do you feel me? I want to feel you. I want your soul again John. I want a life with you. not an existance. Can't we do EVERYTHING together from now on? We need to move our room around tonight. I never want to sleep in that bed in the same place again. I want to start over again John. You are the man I love & want. I want you John. I want to love you & treat you & keep you as you deserve to be. You are my greatest blessing. My kids all have lives of their own. But this one is ours. Yours & mine. Lets start living & love more. My heart is always w/you even when I feel a million miles from you. I always get back here & that says something. Every time I come back, I'm 50 miles closer than ever before & that says something. Tell me what your heart says & don't stop talking until you're sure I here it. @2000 Dear John Hi. On my way to NC. I talked to you about 5 hours ago but it seems like an eternity. Maybe there will be a library w/a computer on the island so I can e-mail you. That would be so cool. I'm glad your rehearsal went well. Did everyone else think so too? Talking with Tam about Bobby really is an ugly look in the mirror at myself. You & Tam definiately need to start a support group for one another. I need to go to Khols to get some sexy shirts. I have one of Tam's TShirts on that she just bra & I feel HOT MAMA. I thought you wouldn't mind. So we have to help each other lose weight somehow without pissing each other off. Wow I wish you were here. I'd love to give you a you know what right this second. I just passed a car that said Killer Computers on the side. How goofy is that? We have about an hour and a half to go. The kids hve been relatively good but it's been a lot of work. You better appreciate your time off. I'm not going to feel so guilty about going on our cruise now. I'm glad I made this decision. We (Tam & I) really needed an adventure. I feel free. I would have just shit if my ex-husband would have asked to go along. I may have had to say no. But I bet I couldn't have. This paper is really thin & I bet it's hard to read. God knows it can't be my hand writeing because that's perfect. My body still doesn't feel like my own yet so writing is pretty difficult. I'll write more later. Love you with all my heart. Hi again. Well another day. I'm using up all of my daughter's paper so I thought I would recycle one she drew on. I tried to convince Debbie to come down but she won't. She tried to put me on some guilt trip about not giving her enough time. She said Ben has baseball. I told her even if I would have called 3 months ago, Ben would still have had baseball. I don't take guilt trips lying down anymore. How do you spell lieing is "you're lying" which one is right? You know, this is probably your last letter by mail. This is the south. A letter sent on Friday wouldn't reach you until long after I'm already home. We made some more T-shirts today. DD's are so cute. She really had fun making them. I'll have to buy some paints & take it over to Tam's this summer and make more. My body hurts everywhere. My older daughter is sick too. I think there is something about the air down here. Eva & Louie are totally horse. Tam's having astma attacks. I thought the sea air was suppose to make you feel better. Man I could never live near the sea. Everything is sticky 100% of the time. You could never be a musician & have instruments in this air. Morning. I'm eating. The kids are playing on the beach. Tam is down there with them. They have really been listening very well when it comes to the water thing. Fortunately, DD is totally intimidated by it. Louie has been waking up at 6 fuckin o'clock & I'm ready to KILL HIM. And Tam is too nice to even yell at the kids. She is trying to over-compensate for the fact that's ALL Bob does is yell at them. The good news is that these two are much happier down here. Eva hasn't had one accident & Louie has only had one that I know of (not counting night time of course). That's a good sign. It's totally cloudy again today but I don't think it will rain like it did yesterday. The road flooded all over the place & it was dangerous driving to go get my meds. I'd give anything to see you walk through mom's kitchen doorway righ tnow. I miss your voice and your smile & that goofy walk of yours. I'll need to give you a hair cut when I get home. I bet it's long by now. I was already starting to get long before I left & you have nuclear hair. I saw you skinny last night in a dream again. It's going to be a reality I just know it! I feel so gross because I've gotten so fat down here. I actually let myself eat for a change instead of denying myself every second of the day. I'd really be 185lbs if I ate what my body wanted. But this antibiotic is suppose to cause stomach upset & diahreah so hopefully I'll lose it soon. Well I gotta go see mommy. I love you. See you very soon. Hi again it's Sunday night. The two holes in this paper are for... well never mind. You guess what they're for. If you get it right, I'll give you a reward. So how are you doing? I'm doing awful but don't tell Tam. I'm doing everything I can just to keep my head glued together. I'm totally stressed out. I'm worried to death about the ocean & the road & the kids proximity to both. I'm so afraid this is also an extremely large amount of work. I'm so tired I don't know my name. I saw two of my cousins today. Kurt is so nice. I feel SORRY for his daughter, she is 20lbs overweight & looks so uncomfortable. And Gretchen & her hubby are here too with their daughter Mandy. Mandy is about 23 I would guess. They have another daughter too & their son is 29. I guess his wife is going to have a baby soon. Hard to believe. I remember Brian. Even though I'm only 5 years older than him, I always thought it was more. It's weird, the big age difference between Dan & Uncle Lou made for a funny situation for us cousins. not that it really matters though. We hardly ever see them. I think one reason mom is so embarrassed of me is that there has always been this silent rivalry about who's kids are more strange. Mom was winning for the more well-adjusted group until I came along. Your daughter is really out cold. She is so exhausted. I can't believe the kids stayed up as long as they did either. That ocean swimming is tireing to say the least. So how was the concert? Did you go out afterward? You seemed a little annoyed that I called today. I realize you aren't missing me one millionth as much as I am missing you & that makes me really sad. But I do understand. You're just tired of me. I bet you couldn't wait until I left. And you're probably going to be bummed when I come home. After talking with Tam for the last few days & thinking about what I put you through, it's really no wonder why you've had it with me. I could say I'm sorry, but some things just can't be helped. I don't think you fully understand how some of my behavior was put into my bones from a newborn on. Stuff like that just doesn't go away magically (if ever). I realized a few things though. Maybe I'll talk to you about them sometime. Or maybe I won't. I really have kind of gotten turned off with the talking thing with you lately. I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm really tired too. I just hope I don't get so tired that I compeltely shut down. So did I tell you about my oldest? I talked to George on Friday night for 45 minutes. He too had heard of that disorder the speach therapist was refering to. Aspberbergs Syndrom. My ex-husband looked it up on the internet. My son has EVERY SINGLE SYMPTOM to some degree. Whereas it's true, he probably has a mild case, he definately does have a form of autism. God bless it I hate being RIGHT all the time. Why couldn't some one just listen to me 9 years ago? Why did I have to find out on my own? And why did all this time & pain & anger & frustration & sadness & anxiety have to be built up? Why don't doctors trust a mother's instinct? I'm so tired. I think I'm going to go take my shower. I hope you're having a great time. Please don't try & do any fancy laundry. Sheets or towels are probably ok. Please get any & all dead food out of the frige. Say, we need a pitch fork. My dad has one if you want to run over & borrow one from him. We need it to turn over compost. Can't do it with a shovel. Already tried. I need to see the finances when I get home. Call Shawn about the loan. Let him know the appraiser never called us. Tell him I'm sorry I lost the guys #. Ask him to give us a call. Thanks. Love you. Enjoy your freedom. It's a gift. But not too much. Hi. Me again. I'm so glad we talked last night. And I'm glad you didn't let me hang up mad. Tam figured out that we were upset & she was amazed that we could figure stuff out over the phone 700 miles away. I guess it's stuff like that that makes me really happy we're together. Sometimes like yeseterday while I was standing on the beach daydreaming, it feels almost like it wasn't my decision and it was just made for us. I think "Why on earth are we together?" Look at all our differences. There are a million. Why was I so attracted to you all of a sudden when for 2 years I wasn't attracted to you at all? Cool stuff, hey kids? Speaking of kids, except for the oldest one's really bad day & a few whining episodes, the kids have been pretty good BUT A LOT OF WORK!!! Tam & I are exhausted at the end of the day. It's mostly the sand that is our biggest enemy. You can't imagine how many times a day I have to clean. At least 2 times an hour and I'm working on some mess somewhere. Not a very relaxing vacation. We can't get the kids to just sit and relax. My elbows are getting really bad. I need to go see Kevin. Want you to see what the status of the insurance is & make me a 9:45 appointment. Any day but Monday. I'm going to see Father Steve on Thursday. Good thing I picked that day now that we know how busy you are. Of course, that means the one day I would have seen you now I can't. That might be the only Jordon day too. Fuck. When is our cruise? I wish I could do a better job of letting you know how I feel about you so youd love me back the same way. Of course that's stupid. I can't MAKE you love me more. Sometimes I sit & imagine you doing something like playing your horn or working @ your computer & I get all mushy inside. The other day I was loving just watching you eat your cereal. I remember a concert a long time ago when you, Pat & I were standing around talking. Actually, you were doing a lot more standing than talking, but I was watching you bend your knees backward the way you use to do & bounce your cute little way. It was a good memory. It's funny how every time I think of you, I almost always see you stretching and smiling. It's that armpit thing. Inside I really want you to have more freedom. So you can stay "John" and not "Circe's Husband". All I ask is that when we are together I want to feel like your enitre world and I want to learn how to treat you like you're mine. WHY CAN'T DD LISTEN TO ME!! OK I'll write you more later. Love you. Me. @2001 John In my desperate attempts to bring you closer, I end up pushing you away. Because of your loner roots, you can never comprehend how desperately I miss you. All I want is some quiet time alone w/my husband. But life and even my husband won't let that happen. So now where do I go John? My heart is so broken lately. My kids are getting big and they pull farther & farther away from me every day. And as you so elequently put it, they don't want to be around me all the time and we don't have to talk about my family. I think we already know the heartbreak there. So here I am John. Very busy, very frustrated & very alone. Is that why I keep my self so busy? To not notice the emptiness? All it takes are quiet words & loving touches. Small kisses & little letters. A flower from the side of the road or a phone call for no reason. But they're not there & neither are you. I'm so sorry I miss you so so much. Love, Me I wish I could get you to understand, it's not the "sex", it's the emotion that I miss. It's the involvement. It's knowing that I matter to you. @2001 Circe's Poem About Narcissism OK the truth is out.
@1995 (At the beginning of their relationship, married-with-three-kids Circe starts to set up the next supply (John) before she divorces Jeff K....) My dearest John I know practically nothing about you. You play trombone and you write wonderfully! You say "OK" alot. You have cool hair. But what's John's story? I thought this questionaire would help. We'll fill in the answers together, ok? 1. John is ___ years old (I know you told me several times but I forgot). 2. John grew up in ____ with ___ brothers and sisters and moms and dads. 3. John's dream(s) in life is _____________????????????? Answer as often as you like 4. John chose the trombone because ______________? 5. John's favorite part of a woman's body is _________? (You get no points for saying "her mind".) 6. John's friends are usually (circle more than one if necessary):
7. John's hobbies include _______________________________________? 8. John's religious background entails ______________________________________________? 9. John thinks Circe K. is:
And the final question..... John thinks _____________________________? (Why does John think like he does, so complete, so intense, so in depth, if you will. How did you learn to think this way and WHY? Fun? Curiosity to see if was possible? Boredem?) (I can't spell for shit!) @1995 John, Well gosh. I don't have anything to say. I'm just in the mood to talk, but seeing as how I'm alone, it would probably be best if I wrote, so no one will question my sanity. Of course, this is CSU. I don't think anyone would give a second glance to anyone talking to themselves in a room alone. I have to ask you, John, does your mind always work the way it must when you write poetry, or do you have to shut your brain up just so you can function in this world? (Sorry I can't spell, I often start to write the wrong words & I end up scribbling alot). Anyway I believe I used to think along the same lines as I imagine you do, but I had to turn my head off so that I could avoid a nervous breakdown. Thinking too much is a dangerous habit. A habit I needed to survive as a child, but has become my torture as an adult. WOAH! Gee, I just wanted to babble a little bit. I didn't mean to get so HEAVY. Gosh, the woodwinds are massively out of tune. Isn't it scary that in one half hour this is all I've managed to write? Don't forget we go out after Civic Band NEXT THURSDAY, so take a nap if you have to during the day, but don't expect to get home early that night. Say, there's the ending. I suppose it's time for me to play. See ya round like a donut. Circe Face |
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