A Few Words from DD

Gardner notes that PAS is more than brainwashing or programming, because the child has to actively participate in the denigrating of the alienated parent. This is done in primarily the following ways:

1. The child denigrates the alienated parent with foul language and severe oppositional behavior.

2. The child offers weak, absurd, or frivolous reasons for his or her anger.

3. The child is sure of himself or herself and doesn't demonstrate ambivalence, i.e. love and hate for the alienated parent, only hate.

4. The child exhorts that he or she alone came up with ideas of denigration. The "independent-thinker" phenomenon is where the child asserts that no one told him to do this.

5. The child supports and feels a need to protect the alienating parent.

6. The child does not demonstrate guilt over cruelty towards the alienated parent.

7. The child uses borrowed scenarios, or vividly describes situations that he or she could not have experienced.

8. Animosity is spread to the friends and/or extended family of the alienated parent.

In severe cases of parent alienation, the child is utterly brain- washed against the alienated parent. At this point, the alienator can truthfully say that the child doesn't want to spend any time with this parent, even though she has told the child that he has to, it is a court order, etc. The alienator typically responds, "There isn't anything that I can do about it. I'm not telling him that he can't see you."

(Excerpted from: Gardner, R.A. (1998). The Parental Alienation Syndrome, Second Edition, Cresskill, NJ: Creative Therapeutics, Inc.)

From: DD
To: John
Date: Wed, Feb 12, 2014 21:20

John,

There are a couple of things that i would like to inform you of, considering you are, and have always been very set in your ways. Since there 41 days until my 18th birthday, i think I'm old enough to be given the credit for my own thoughts and actions. You have this delusion that i am somehow a part of my mother, or she is a part of me, rather. You believe that every word i say is influenced by her, and every action that I make is because she has told me to do so, and i can't even begin to tell you how wrong you are about that.

I believe myself to be one of the most independent and individualistic people that i've come across so far in my life, and i have a couple of people to thank for that-- you included. Since the day you left, i have been able to stand on my own two feet. It was hard at first.. trying to deal with the pain and confusion as to why a father would want to move away from his daughter to go live with another woman. It took me a while to realize that every person is individual, and has to do for them what the think to be best. I was hurt for a long time that the choice you made, and even though you had told me that i was welcome in your new home, and your new family, there was not a single part of me that wanted to be around that horrible woman after the first encounter that we had in the kitchen at the Prouty Rd. house that day, over me wanting to go to my best friends house. You are extremely in denial about a lot of things that happened between Diana and I, which really baffles me because you were present and witness to every time she screamed and yelled in my face, insulting me and my mother; but honestly, i don't want to talk about any of that, because at this point in my life, those things, and that woman, are all irrelevant to me.

The truth of the matter is, that you have some horrible issues with my mother. You hate her more passionately than I've ever seen and could ever imagine. You always have. And as a kid, a great deal of that was transferred onto me. Life was extremely hard for me growing up. I lived in 3 houses at a time, and 2 of them were almost continuously changing. I had 3 siblings that i wanted to be around, and at least 2 families to try to live and get along with. The conditions under which I lived were ridiculously different from any that i've seen, even to this day, and there was continuous drama, or chaos, or confusion at all times. I had to try to find a balance in all of the madness, and honestly, it never happened for me. I know that my mother is crazy in her own way, and i know that as i was growing up, we did not get along very well. There were times where i couldn't stand to be around her, and that she couldn't stand to be around anyone. I know that you truly do believe that she is a monster with horrible mental issues and that she has influences my life in a greater way than any person could possibly fathom, but those opinions of yours are what did, and what continues to draw me away from you.

In reality, the person who caused all of this was you. And i know you will never take responsibility for the way i feel about you because somehow you think you've done nothing wrong, but I promise you, 100%, that that is the truth. I'm not blaming you. I don't think it's completely your fault. It's obviously a mixture of a lot of different circumstances and decisions made by many of the parties involved, but you are a very large chunk of why things are the way they are.

A little while ago, i saw this interesting article that was titled "Minnesota judge has 200 blunt words for divorcing parents." and it said,

"Your children have come into this world because of the two of you. Perhaps you two mad lousy choices as to whom you decided to be the other parent. If so, that is YOUR problem and YOUR fault. No matter what you think of the other party-or what your family things of the other party- these children are one-half of EACH of you. Remember that. Because every time you tell your child what an "idiot' her father is, or what a "fool" her mother is, or how bad the absent parent is or what terrible things that person has done, you are telling your child that half of them is bad. That is an UNFORGIVABLE thing to do to a child. That is NOT love. That is Possession. If you do that to your children, you will DESTROY them as surely as if you had cut them into pieces, because that is what you are doing to their emotions..." and so on.

The reason I am emailing you is not to rip you apart of how horrible of a father you are or how undeserving you are of having me in your life, even though, at this point, i still do believe that to be true. I'm emailing you because i'm tired of you and my mother accusing each other and hating each other and ridiculing each other for the way i am, when you two are the ones who caused it. By you telling me how horrible my mom is, and by her telling me how terrible you are, what you're both really doing is telling me how horrible I am.

The only reason that i chose my mother over you is because she did something, and continues to do something that you have NEVER done: and that is stand up and fight for me. You think by going to court to attempt to force me to move an hour and a half away, into a house with a woman that I hate, that has done nothing but lie and manipulate you and herself into this situation that i should have some sort of appreciation for you. But, you are so wrong. You went about this entire ordeal in the completely wrong manor, whether you like to think so or not.

So, no. I am not my mother. And yes, i'm excited to be 1,300 miles away from every single part of the past 18 years of my life, so i can finally start my own, and do it on my own terms; at peace. And maybe one day, extremely far down the line, i will decide that it isn't worth it to hold in the hate and anger and spite that i have for you and your wife, but you will never be considered my father in my eyes. You did not earn that title, and knowing you, and your mindset on all of this, you will never give up your pride to apologize for all of the shit that you put me through. Which is fine with me, because i know that i am a bigger and better person than you, and in general because of the things i have been through already in my life.

And unlike everyone else, i refuse to play the victim. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and nothing happen TO anyone. Everything in life is your Own doing. Everyone determines their own fate, and is given their own karma according to how they choose to live, and you are getting yours just like i am getting mine. Don't mistake the influence that you've made on me as me saying you did all of these things TO ME. Like i said before, everyone is an individual, and honestly, you can do whatever you want- and you have- because it's your life. Just know that I am going to do whatever I want because it's MY life.

I don't need to tell you that you won't be the one walking me down the aisle, or that the reason i am so terrified or being fat is because of you, or that i only invited you to my graduation because that is the last time that i plan on having contact with you before i go forward with my new life, and i can't wait until you see how happy i am going to be without you, because none of that matters.

What DOES matter is that I am my OWN person. NOT my mother. And if you think you know ANYTHING about me, you are SO sadly mistaken. You think you know who i am or how i am because of the little girl you still have engraved in your brain from over 4 years ago. It's time to move on. I'm not that little girl anymore, and i never will be. I feel sorry that you think one day i will come running through your door and into your arms.. But I can tell you that is never, ever going to happen.

I hope you can make peace with not having the daughter you "always wanted" just like i had to make peace with not having a dad the way i wanted. And you can tell me day in and day out that you will always be my dad, and love me whether i like it or not, but just remember, i will always tell you that you are not as amazing as you think you are.

Live with that.

(Note: If you are interested, the topic "Fairy Tales and Other Stories" on the Toxic Confessions page describes the incidents that DD references above in more detail.)